We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
