I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
