Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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