i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
