When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
