My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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