I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize