Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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