So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
