its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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