i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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