So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
