i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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