You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize