How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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