i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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