I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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