its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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