When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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