Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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