how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
