I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
