Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
