I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
