I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
