omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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