She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
wow bdsm is so cute
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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