Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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