He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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