meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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