YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
