She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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