dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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