What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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