he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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