im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Vodka?
Forever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
