I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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