I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
