I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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