I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
