Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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