Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
