No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
