man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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