Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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