The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
