First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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