i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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