All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
