you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
