He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
