just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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