dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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