dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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