every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
