I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
