All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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